Monday, November 12, 2007

My Father is Gone

I've debated about writing something so personal on my blog. My blog which I try to keep related to my creative journey. But, I must write about this and share it.

My Father passed away on Tuesday, November 6th, alone in a nursing home. It was not really expected. He was 76. I am making it through but it is the hardest thing to go through. I don't think I could have ever imagined this pain. I want to go back in time for anyone who has ever lost a parent and make sure that I have been there for friends and family. My biggest comfort right now are my friends, my sisters and my kids.

Writing things down is helping. Not sure why. The day he died I jumped out of bed when my sister called at 5:20 am and got in the car and drove the 1 1/2 hours to Calhoun, GA. I spent the day in a rushed blur of funeral arrangements and overwhelming grief. I got home that night at about 10 pm. I hadn't seen my kids at all that day and when Maggie, my almost 3 year old awoke the next morning I was busy trying to complete the remembrance cards/bulletins for the visitation that evening. I was overwhelmed with sadness and nervous and anxious about completing this task in time to get it to the printers and back up to Dalton, GA before the visitation at 5 pm. So, I called a neighbor and walked Maggie down to their house so they could watch her while I finished the bulletins.
As we walked down the road from our house, I realized Maggie may not understand that I was going to be leaving her there instead of our usual playdate where we all stayed together. So, as we walked down the road I said, "Maggie, you are going to stay with Ms. Betty and Joey while I go home to take a shower and finish up some things for Daddy J." Well, as soon as I said that I realized it might be confusing for her. I hadn't seen her the day before, the day my Dad died, and I knew my husbad had told her but hadn't had a chance to ask him how he explained it to her. So, I turned to her ready to try and figure out what to say to an almost 3 year old when their grandfather has died. But, she beat me to it. She said so sweetly and matter of fact "No... Daddy J died." and I teared up and tried to hold it together and I said "Yes, he died."

Maggie: "He's gone."
Me: "Yes, he's gone."
Maggie: "He's not coming back."
Me: "No, he isn't coming back."
Maggie: "We need to go and get him."
Me: "No, we can't sweetie. He's not coming back. He died."
Maggie: "We need to go get a 'nutter one."
Me: "No, we can't get another Daddy J. There was only one of him. But, we have a Grandpa and a Nate."
Maggie: "Yea, Daddy J died."
Me: "Yes, he died."
Maggie: "He's not coming back."
Me: "No,he's not sweetie."

Long pause and we walked some more.
Maggie:"We need to get a 'nutter one DAddy J."

Me, tears won't stop.

Words of a 2 year old. If only we could. I want the same thing.

There are so many more things I want to write, so beware, this blog may not be the usual things you are used to for awhile. Hopefully, I will find a way to release this pain in my artwork sometime soon. For now, it is just coming in words.

In remembrance,
J.C. Miracle
We love you Daddy J
June 11, 1931-November 6, 2007


Sharon Serrano Ahmed said...

Dear Heidi, Please remember that you aren't alone. I (and everyone else who loves and cares for you) am here for whatever and whenever you need me.

Anonymous said...

Hello, Heidi. Thank you for sharing your raw pain of losing your Dad. I understand. And will give you a righteous hug when next I see you. Sharon is right. You are most certainly not alone. Hold tight to good memories. Love to you. Margaret